Moving forward

As many of you know, Chaske and I faced a really hard decision this week. Last Thursday we were asked if we would be interested in adopting twin 4 year old boys. We were hesitant initially as we are prepared for a baby. We have had our nursery set up for 2 months. And mentally, we were expecting to be matched with a baby. However, something in us decided to proceed. The birth mom wanted a family without children and the agency really liked our profile and was very interested in us. We took the weekend to think about it. By Sunday, Chaske was feeling pretty good about the decision to say yes to them. I still was going back and forth. When Monday came around the agency said the mom was on her way into the agency and wanted to know if everyone was still comfortable with showing their profiles. Originally, we were told the agency was choosing the family…so we said sure we still feel pretty good about it. The mom ended up taking the profiles she liked home that night to decide. The next day (Tuesday) we were informed she had picked us! Our social worker called to let us know the good news, but said to let her know how we were feeling. Typically, once the birth mom chooses you, you shouldn’t say no. However, since this isn’t what we were prepared for our social worker said to let her know. I went to pick up Chaske from work and we talked it over for about an hour and a half and I just couldn’t get there. I SO wanted to. I really struggled with my feelings…and still am. I wanted to bring those boys home…no doubt. We would have loved them and got through whatever tough times there would have been during attachment. BUT part of me really wanted to bring home a baby. There were a lot of tears…Chaske was ready to call her back and say “let’s do it!” I just didn’t think it was fair to these boys that my heart wasn’t completely there. That’s not to say it wouldn’t have been there once the time came…actually I’m pretty sure that baby dream would have faded once we brought them home. Plus, we plan to adopt multiple times…so eventually that baby dream would have came true. I prayed if it was meant to be that it would be put on my heart more…as I really was 50/50. So, we said no and that was that. Then yesterday (Wednesday) our social worker called and asked if we were still comfortable with our decision. I told her not really and that I was still struggling with whether it was the right thing to do. I was really sad and I actually missed those boys. Like we had lost them. She said that we most likely started to attach to them already then. Probably true. She said the mom still hadn’t picked a family as she really liked us and didn’t think much of the others she had taken home. She said she could call back down to Texas and tell them we were back in it, but we had to be sure if we were picked again we would be ready to accept. She said to think about it and call her back if we wanted to be reconsidered. I hung up feeling so many emotions. I was excited that it wasn’t too late and they could still be ours! I talked to a lot of adoptive moms over the weekend and just kept replaying all the pros and cons, etc…I prayed a ton and I just couldn’t get myself there all the way. I know this is normal and we might even feel this uncertainty with bringing home a newborn. I know it’s normal to feel scared and still proceed. I just couldn’t do it. I pictured myself taking down the nursery I was so excited for…it broke my heart. Either way I was sad. Either way we were gaining and losing something. I gave myself the day to think and I told myself if the mom chooses a different family then that’s that. She did. I felt a relief…maybe that’s what I needed? I needed to know they would be ok. I am still sad and struggling today, but I have no doubt their mom picked a great forever family for those boys. A family that is probably “there” and prepared for them and really excited! I miss them…we feel like we lost “our” boys. However, this is what we signed up for. I was told by a good friend and adoptive mom “It’s OK to wait for a baby. And it’s OK to jump right in. There is no wrong or right answer and no matter what you guys choose it will all work out perfectly. God has a plan for you guys and these boys.” So while it’s been a rough last few days…we have had the most AMAZING support from our friends and family. We feel so blessed to have an amazing social worker and a great group of adoptive families around us. The ones who have been there and done that are the only ones who really understand the feelings we were faced with and the situation we were dealt. Many of them have faced this exact situation so they were great inspiration to us! We are so thankful to have even been considered for those boys! They will probably always be in our thoughts and prayers from here on out! I can honestly say we are looking forward to bringing home a little one and I’m still excited to keep our nursery! It’s really special to us! There are many children that need homes and families…that includes babies! I know it’s perfectly normal to want a baby as a first time mom…and that it’s ok to wait for one! Although…the wait is HARD! I was excited to have that part over with :) Bring on the baby! Thank you to everyone who got us through these past few days. It is SO appreciated!! It’s times like these that make you realize your real friends and family!!

Happy Thursday!

Still waiting for a match

Sorry I've been lacking with the blog lately...hard to find motivation with this long wait. I have a ton of topics I want to cover about adoption in general, however, it's one of those situations where I have so much to say I don't know where to start! And I also want to make sure I cover the topics accurately and the best I can. So, while I've started typing them several times...I have yet to post them :) Can you say I'm a little Type A?! ;)

On a side note...we have shown our profile to a mom and it is being shown without us knowing as well. So it can literally be any day!! Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Also, I know a few of you have told me you were having a hard time commenting on my posts...I'm not techy enough to figure this out so keep the encouraging emails coming!! :) I love them!!

Tasha